The definition of "hard"

So after mentally going over potential post ideas for the past few days, I realized that maybe I didn't pick the best name for this blog. After all, I am sure Benjamin will never care to post anything, and I keep getting the urge to just use it as a personal journal/place to vent. So my apologies if you subscribed thinking this was going to be a family newsletter or something...

Before having Miles I had always heard that being a mom was "hard," but I am learning that "hard" is an extremely nondescript word. I have always liked doing hard things. Not to toot my own horn, but I have run half marathons. I moved to a foreign country where I didn't know a soul and barely spoke the language. I graduated cum laude from a challenging nursing program. I take care of critically ill children on a regular basis at work. I always just sort of thought that because I enjoyed being challenged, I was good at doing hard things. But what I didn't realize was that motherhood is hard in a different way. Changing a diaper isn't hard. Playing with an adorable baby isn't hard. What is hard, though, is the mental aspect of motherhood. I feel like everything is sooooo mentally and emotionally exhausting. Take for example Miles's sleep schedule, which seems to be basically unpredictable. Although it is tiring to wake up with him at night, I actually don't mind it terribly. The cuddling with him is a nice reward and I often can get a little nap at some point during the day, although don't get me wrong--I would love it if he would sleep through the night. The thing that is distressing about it, though, is that I worry he is not getting enough rest and that I'm letting him get into bad sleep habits. So I read books and make sleep logs and try to follow schedules and try not following schedules and try just following Miles's lead and try making him nap or keeping him up and try putting him to bed early or keeping him up later and none of it seems to make a difference one way or the other. And so I feel guilty because Miles has no routine and I'm falling asleep while I'm playing with Miles and soon Benjamin will be as sleep deprived as I am because I'm going back to work. And then I stress that that is going to effect his ability to study which will effect his grades which will effect his ability to get an internship which will effect his ability to get a job which will mean I will have to work forever and our children will never have a full time mother which will mean they will get into trouble as teenagers which will mean they will apostatize from the church which will mean they will be eternally unhappy. And just like that I will have eternally ruined our family because I can't help Miles get to sleep properly. Hahaha. Don't worry, I don't actually believe (at least not entirely) all that, but that is just an example of how every tiny matter feels so weighty as a mother. I feel guilty if I go to the gym and leave Miles with Benjamin since that interrupts his studying, but I feel bad if I take him with me and leave him in the care of the incompetent daycare, but I feel unhappy if I don't exercise. I feel bad for going to work and leaving Miles and making Benjamin sleep deprived, but I would feel bad if I stayed home and we had tons more debt. It's like all I can think about are the consequences of my actions and it seems like there is no good option to so many choices! So my question is to all you parents, what do you? How do you deal with all these crazy mind games???

Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. How could you not love being around this little guy all the time?

Sometimes I just feel a little like this....